Saturday, July 4, 2009

sleep know the saying..

Tingling eerie itchy crawly icky - that's how you'll feel imagining a swarm of bees surrounding you. Bees don't leave you with an unpleasant feeling? maybe instead a legion of mosquitoes to feast upon your flesh? an army of dragonflies zipping to and fro, bombs away!
This is the scene that I came upon today while trying to make a surprise visit to a friend's apartment. YEEGADS, the management said they were pet-friendly but this is going overboard! Seeing a pair of people suit-up in beekeeper suits and a swarm of buzzing bullies made my choice to turn tail and skedaddle when she didn't answer the door very easy.
I don't particularly like bugs, insects or whatever fancy name your going to give them - 'cuz I know SOMEONE is going to read this and say, "oh you can't call spiders a bug". hey, guess what? screw you! I don't care! This isn't National Geographic or Animal Planet or something, alright?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of them, I'm just cautious around the majority of them and generally not over-eager to befriend and take out for a night on the town. Pretty much any bug that comes into contact with me has determined that I am tasty. Yup, it's true - people taste like chicken. Me on the other hand, I taste like gourmet chicken.
This goes back, way way way back to my years in Huggies. Actually I am pretty excited to say that my memories of cloth diapers are still intact, Mmmmmm the cotton soft and breathable on my smooth baby behind. You know that I bet there would be a lot less irritable babies in stores, movies and restaurants if parents would get them out of those trash bags they call diapers and put something more absorbent on their tushka's.

Imagine sitting in your own shit N piss for who knows how long just festerin'?!? It works like one of those jogging suits that are supposed to make you sweat off the pounds. Baby is stewing in their offal, they cry and what does the mom do? stuffs sweets in the child's mouth and wags a meaty fist at them to shut up all the while everyone around them suffers watching poor parenting and the rotten childhood they are experiencing...( I digress)
This goes back...way way way back to my years in cloth diapers and I was hospitalized for an illness called Purpura. Now I've been told that there was a catalyst which was a rather large ugly garden spider which had bitten me. The allergic reaction was rapid, my mouth/throat closed and I was blue in the face - my little baby hands, fingers and toes; all of it swelling and I was rushed to the ER where I would remain and then become a sojourner for quite a bit of time.
Later on down the line when I was around 6 or 7, my virginity was taken by a mosquito. Enough blood was spilled to need a clean-up crew and my mother was left to perform some form of nurturing that required her BIC lighter, a heavy duty sewing needle, a bottle of peroxide, some cotton pads and my father to hold me down. The bite had manifested into a bulbous dangling teardrop shaped bag of puss that she was determined to lance.

It has to, she explained, because I couldn't even get my foot into my sandals without tearing the blister open and I would have screamed bloody murder if I'd done that on my own. Plus it wouldn't have been very sanitary, her way would have been clean and she could ascertain there wasn't anything else going on. (her own crazy morbidity).
NUTS the things you can remember! I do remember my dad pinning me down, and he wasn't a small man by any means but it took almost every ounce of his strength because I was a hell-cat. My one free leg swinging around like a metronome, nearly glancing off his nose several times.
Watching her heat that needle up with her lighter just terrified me, the same lighter that I'd seen her use day in and day out to light those fucking cigarettes that I despised. (how could this possibly be sanitary when her smoking was so disgusting and filthy!)
Bugs have caused all sorts of crazy problems for me. when I was campaigning one of our favorite blue-eyed boys I had a run in with a bizarro looking beetle. Well he didn't bite me, amazingly enough, but he still inflicted damage because I busted my foot in my efforts to escape him! YIKES RUN FROM THE SCARY HARMLESS BEETLE!
A Few summers ago while traveling I-35 and trying to have a romantic tryst with the husband while he was so far from home (career change meant physical displacement from the home front), we stayed at a rather new and agreeable chain of hotels that we like to frequent. Even going as far as getting the upgrade and getting the JAAAH CUUUZIIII (for those that don't speak sexy lingo that's Jacuzzi).
The morning after, radiant and relaxed we washed and were readying ourselves to have lunch when we both noticed not only did we have itchy spots but I actually had several irritated marks on my nose..
son of a bitch..I'm not kidding here. the place had bed bugs. I was dined upon in my sleep by bed bugs. Do you have any clue how gross that is and what kind of paranoia I've suffered ever since?! holy shit, I bring my own pillows, I keep everything up off the ground, I bring sprays and douse the beds and pretty much now I don't even want to go anywhere because C'mon! this was a brand new hotel!
It was however, a brand new hotel in an area that's heavy into trucking and moving critters like chickens and pigs so more than likely we just got really unlucky. We have traveled and hoteled a lot over the years and nothing this nasty has happened in the past and we've hoteled at far worse.
(just let it go...deep breath in...and relax)
sleep tight...don't let the bedbugs bite