Wednesday, October 21, 2009

inject me a cure

now I betcha are wondering what the hell is the delay in my blogging? well I'll tell you what? Everything, first off 'Blows' transcended into my reoccurring autumn pneumonia. I can't just have a little flu in which I was doing my best to treat in a holistic way, but it settled it's juicy phlegm filled self into my chest and now I wheeze and rattle instead of sniffle and sneeze.

Going to the doctor is not one of my favorite trips because I am so damn cheap, I cannot stand spending any money in order for someone to prance me around on a scale (and then find out that all of the hours and hours of hard work I've been putting into trying to lose weight...well never mind!), then take my blood pressure (to be told that it's excellent - NO SHIT) and then jam a thermometer into my mouth an tell me I don't have a fever.
No shit again, I could have told you all of these things.

Gone are the days when I could telephone my family doctor (Dr. J who delivered me, took care of me all of my childhood too!) and say, "hey I have this an this going on" and he'd just call the Walgreens and my mom could go and pick up my antibiotics.

Instead now I have to go through this fucking dance, sitting in a waiting room with a dozen or more other sick people with God only knows what diseases that they are possibly transferring to the rest of us. If you don't feel well and you are waiting you really just want to lay your head down and die but instead they have televisions blaring loudly in a couple of different corners of the room. The noise from public service announcements and advertisements for different medical treatments pounds in your ears, and the screech of whiny babies/children that are there are grating on your last nerve.
Don't get me started on how parents today have not taught their children to cover their mouth/noses when they sneeze or cough.

When you are finally taken back to the patient rooms, you go through the whole weight/blood pressure/temperature situation the nurse then asks you about your symptoms and what medications you are taking and then you wait again for the doctor to come in, only to repeat yourself all over again.

This is the part I don't think I understand. i don't want to repeat myself 2x. I still want to lay my head down and die, I want a magic wand to be waved over my head and tiny sparkles of happy confetti dust glitter around me causing me to miraculously stand up and bounce around the room completely healed! it's been at least a week since I started this blog. This is a sad situation, me, the woman of many words and I can't even get them down because I just plain feel like shit. I'm nearly through with the antibiotics the doctor prescribed but now my Fibromyalgia is flared up again.
I always hurt, let's remember that but sometimes it gets so bad there isn't a word that exceeds misery.

today I have had more sleep in a single day than I usually achieve in a week's time!

Thursday, October 8, 2009


The night before in the wee hours of the morning while tapping away on my itty bitty little netbook on the networking site which is highly addicting (Facebook) one of my gaming companions instant messaged me to see how things were going.

We frequently will pass some time between pillaging and whacking other mafioso, collecting imaginary greenbacks (in my mind dreaming of fingering each of those lovely Federal Reserve Notes) and amassing our deadly armory.

Our conversations floating between our beloved spouses, local weather, work or play, musical interests and our great affection for animals.
The friend also happens to be a bit more mature than I am, and takes on the role of big brother at times and this night definitely was one of them - he'd decided to start in on me when I told him how I was feeling crummy.

Now C'mon! If y'all haven't figured it out by now, I'm going to tell you in black and white. I am pigheaded and will do and say whatever I please. There's no pussyfooting around with me. We have one life to live, I want to live it if I can.

There are days when even I know I can't live life to the max so I'll curl up in a fetal position with the sheets pulled up tight to my chin only a portion of my face peering out. The blinds swiveled shut, if there are drapes on the window they are pulled shut and if need be I'll even toss a blanket over the rod to bring an extra cover of darkness to cocoon me in obscurity.

These are the times when I've laden the bed between our pillows with a few bottled waters, a box of Kleenex and even some of my favorite snacks to reach for between naps. I will stay in bed as long as physically possible waiting until my bladder is nearly ready to burst like some forgotten water-bed bladder attached to the garden hose too long.

The Tuesday before while at work, a gal from the home office came down for one of the many meetings the husband has here in town, she was a little under the weather and later released information that her son was positive for the H1N1 flu (oh yes that would be Miss Piggy's affliction - the Swine flu).
The media is toting this as quite a deadly bastard of a flu, of course if you ask me ANY flu can be just as deadly however its the individuals response to it that matters the most. How we fight off germs, how we rest, what types of vitamins we get and such.

By Thursday morning the husband was feeling crappy, he started off that morning saying he had a sore throat. Now my darling husband is a bit of a whiner about sniffles but hey, so am I! The two of us need to have the world's smallest violin constantly playing for us.
He doesn't usually mention his throat though, so I figured that this was the real thing and he did look a bit more tired than routine.
Like a good drone he went to work anyhow, Thursdays are hard days
Friday night he was sweaty and came straight home and went to bed for 6.5 hours.

All the while this is going on I'd been going on as planned with the 'Cleanse'. Hard work by the time day 2.5 was upon me and I was reading some material about how this was actually a very poor idea. Now ya know, I'm sorta the type of person to just jump right in and do whatever I want - I didn't consult my doctor first. That would have been the best idea but fuck it. He'd have said I'm a crazy fool.
It wouldn't have been the first time for that either kind of comment either. (he's still telling me to ditch the cats)

After doing my reading I came to the conclusion that I'd better get some food in me before I did further damage to the very organ I was trying to cleanse (kidney) and woke up husband who was doing another late night nap session, stuffing him full with a tasty double cheeseburger late in the evening.

Sunday morning rolls around, mind you I've kept my distance from Mr Sick and guess what? I have a fricking sore throat! He's coughing and I feel like someone has hit me with a shovel upside my head. What a pounding headache, WTF did I do to deserve this? Been minding my own business, not causing any trouble - not sharing any spit with anyone and I'm a neurotic hand washer so there's no reason for this crap to find its way into my nose or mouth.

Getting back to my friend he says to me in quite the accusatory way, which I'm drawing this heavy drama and tone out of the text that I did it to myself from my fasting. The fasting lowered my immune system, so it's no wonder I got sick.
Now really, did the flu climb up my sore bung hole through my intestinal tract to finally settle itself in my chest and sinus' and torment me?

I'm on this health kick, every day I hoof my chunky ham hock legs around the neighborhood for 60 minutes streaming music through cheap ear phones that make my ears sweat, I refuse to put chemicals into my body until I feel I'm at death's door. For the time being it's only fluids, vitamins and my new favorite drink - Kombucha!

Tonight I think I'm going to get some Vicks Vapo-Rub cuz my nose and chest are like stuffed green peppers. I hate Vick's with a passion, just grosses me out to smear that greasy crap on my chest and then it gets slimy and tacky throughout the night. Starts to get your shirt mushy and stains it up and smudges your sheets when you lay in bed.
However, I feel terrible and when I try to take a deep breath one side of my nostrils flares the other does nothing at all. My nose is so stopped up on one side, the other is running a 10k marathon.

In the middle of the night when my sniffer starts dribbling I'll grab a square of tissue and wad it up and smash it into my nostril. I hate waking up with snot running down into my lips.

That will be as far as I'm going to give in on the chemicals - I absolutely must breathe, this flu shit really blows!

Friday, October 2, 2009

48 more and pass the Boudreaux's Butt Paste

hungry yet?

Not entirely.
When I'm home alone I really have no desire to eat. Floating about the house, tapping on the keyboard, petting the cats, maybe washing laundry or reading a book or zoning out ..I just don't stop to think about eating because it doesn't interest me enough to expend the energy to MAKE something for me alone.

Sure my stomach is growling a little bit, getting that clutching feeling sort of like the cramps (ladies, you know what I'm saying) but it's tolerable. However I'm not having this awful need to scarf down a plateful of mashed potatoes yet. It's only been 48 hours which is hardly a long time seeing how there were times when I've been sick with the flu and unable to keep food down for days.
Maybe I would choke down some chicken broth or a few saltines, (jello too) but essentially we all know when we have the flu no one wants to eat we just want the blissful sleep of the dead.

The night before I joked that I should put myself into a Benedryl coma for the next several days to help me get through my fasting but ummm that could be really bad since the effects of the "Cleanse" really takes you to a place that should not be IN your bed.
Makes you wonder about the sanity people have when they purposely make themselves defecate for days and days, doesn't it? The saying Your Full of Shit goes a long way in situations like this, seriously if we stop and think about it we really are.

Research states that our colon and intestinal tract holds several extra pounds of fecal matter, a regular flushing is quite healthy to do a couple of times a year. These new age hippy freaks that talk about it (going for colonic- or colonic irrigation) really swear that they feel so fantastic afterward doing them.

I bet y'all didn't know one of the earliest proponents of the colonic was the founder of the Kelloggs cereal company? He frequently lectured about the therapy of it's use for many conditions including depression and arthritis! (no shit - pun intended!)

It was said that Elvis had upwards of 40#s of dung in him and even John Wayne did too - however if you check this is all bullshit (hahaha I am enjoying my use of the word crap today).
John Wayne's family would not even allow an autopsy to be done so no conclusive evidence to this rumor, but it really can't be true.
Elvis did have quite a bit of poo in him, his intestinal tract was stretched out far more than the average person due to his ridiculous eating habits of fried, greasy foods (can I get a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich somebody?)

Colonics are used for the prevention of constipation, stops harmful bacteria and yeast growth, and they cleanse stagnant toxins absorbing into the bloodstream through the colon wall (that's called autointoxication).

Butt (hahaha) I'm not shoving a tube up my ass by a stranger and blowing fluids in only to have someone massage my gut and then report to me what color and consistency my turds are as they flow back out. Instead I'm popping a few pills several times a day that are chock-full of weird stuff I'd never put in my mouth as a meal.

This afternoon my stomach rebelled a little bit, I've never been a happy pill taker. I'm actually taking a candida cleanse (that's yeast) and a liver cleanse (hey, okay so I drink a lil bit. no harm trying to reverse some of the mistakes of Crown Royal) and the colon cleanse..those are 3 gigantic pills PLUS I also have my gazillion other pills for my various issues.

Anyhoooo - I take a great big ol' swig of water and try to choke down one of these horse pills and it gets about half way down and the next thing I know - GACK it's coming back up. WOOSH!! Water and some stomach fluid with smelly bile come flying out.
I even manage to do the 'out the nose' trick like you would if you heard a great joke - and I'm going full-on projectile squirting across the living room as I sit on the sofa where I've set up my shop of pill horrors.

Not to be outdone, I have an audience (as usual) and here come rushing several well padded naked feet to my rescue to sniff and delicately taste my none-to-delicious explosion.

what's in this crap?

Fennel seed powder (I hate fennel), licorice root powder (I hate licorice), Irish Moss root powder (what the fuck is that?), a couple of barks (woof woof -- fucking TREES?) a couple of unpronounceable fruit powders, marshmallow root powder..huh? I thought marshmallow was yummy puffy Sta-Puft man from Ghost Busters! red raspberry leaf powder..well okay that's not so weird and cayenne powder..but hey wait - I just figured out I'm nightshade sensitive and cayenne is a nightshade.

Fuck me raw..oh wait. that's what this stuff is doing to my bum!

pass me the Boudreaux's Butt Paste