Sunday, August 23, 2009

oops bad

Why are the cup-holders at the movies never the right size for the drinks available?

This sincerely pisses me off and it frequently leaves me in a sticky situation.

Yesterday afternoon we took a daytime date and saw a matinee film (YEEHAW! Quentin Tarantino you did a fine job, I could pick on a few items but it was genuinely entertaining).
Now the theater we went to is the better of the 2 available here in Hillbillyville, but we'd forgotten that the less attractive and updated one has the more comfortable seats.
We should have opted for the older building, the movie was nearly 3 hours long and my buttcheeks are still singing from the numbness they started to feel after sitting for so long.
Most movies I'll get up and go to the restroom and not worry about a few lost moments, but I didn't want to miss a single second of the action on this film as I felt that each section was going to be integral to the next.

We saved several dollars coming at lunch, always a good feeling. Then with the frugal heart I have, I emptied everything out of my purse prior to leaving the home-front and then restocking it with Milk-duds, Reeses-Pieces, M&M's, 2 Dr. Peppers and even a bottled water. You'd be quite surprised how well I jammed all of this and still managed to get my wallet in there also.
All of these snacks would have run about $20.00 but because of my penny pinching ways I only spent $3.89 for the lot of it!

Now let me preface this story a little bit more with the fact that this WAS a noontime film and I have a strange sleeping schedule, oftentimes not shutting my eyes until 10 a.m. and sleeping until 2 or 3 in the afternoon.
This day was no different, I'd gone out for my morning walk - which was quite eventful I will add (should I make a blog...? ) and basically did not find myself snoring until nearly 9:30 and awoke to hear the hubby heading to work. LATE I might add!
I say to him, "so I guess we're not going to that noontime movie after all?"
he said, "yes we are I just have to go to a meeting at 11 and then I'll go back after the movie".

He slipped out the door and my eyes SLAMMED shut again for another hour+ only to realize that noon was right on top of me. Where was that man? He's full of shit I think to myself, not taking the time to look at the movie schedule online.
Fiddling around, reading email and generally just nursing the aches and pains I suffer I let time start slipping by.
A few minutes shortly after twelve my mobile rings and it's the man to announce he's on his way, make sure I put on my 'boob bag' which is the furthest most degree of getting dressed up I suppose. (maybe its just his way of protecting the innocent from these dangerous pendulums)

No sooner did I hang up the phone and start moseying to the bathroom to run a toothbrush over my teeth and try to get rid of my morning stank breath then I hear the front door bang shut and a call, "Hullo, HULLO - Let's GO!" and the bathroom door opens and he's standing there with hands on hips with a look of expectation as if I should already be dressed and fit for a dance.

I sputter, foam from my toothpaste dribbling off my lower lip and lightly splattering forward onto my nightshirt.
He gives me THE LOOK as he has in the past prior to our jaunts out during lunch hours, and then comments, " are you going to wear your clown pants?" to which I smile and consider it just for a moment but opt to switch to some grey slip on's. My clown pants are these fantastic flannel pajama bottoms that are predominantly pink but with vertical stripes in lime, hunter, white, royal, teal, royal purple and robins egg blue.
They are TERRIFIC!
Clown pants? nahhhh comfort pants! I really don't see a big issue going out in these pants, the night before I saw a pair of girls in the same garb walking around WalMart with nearly the same thing on sporting wife-beaters along with the pants.

He says to me that the movie actually begins at 12:50 so we have a few minutes before we have to get there and the drive isn't far but the dilemma is that I'm HUNGRY now that I'm awake. Let's not forget that at 4:30 this morning I hoofed around the neighborhood for 2 hours with the dogs, swallowed a liter of water and that was it. The last time I inhaled a meal was around 8 the night before so by now at 12:15 my stomach was starting to sound like the rumblings of a thunderstorm in the high mountain reaches.

Little known fact about me, well known fact with husband and a few close friends. If I don't eat when I'm good and hungry, when my blood sugar starts to get low...I get mean. Not like a little bit crabby mean, but down right cat-piss, burn your eyes ammonia lit by a match; mean.
I'm so mean that I am likely to start chewing you out faster than a cop chasing a doughnut down a hill. I snap like a crocodile and don't often go back to apologize, my need to stuff something into my mouth (food you fuckers) and have that instant rush of sugar to my bloodstream is absolutely necessary to make me a halfway normal and decent person, otherwise I'm absolutely intolerable.

Pants & a clean T on as well as my favorite sandals - off we go (donning my huge Jackie O style sunglasses) and the man says, "are you going to have a dog at the theater?"
to which I reply, "nope, not unless you want me to miss half the show while I sit in the can crapping out mechanically recovered meat that's been squashed into sheep's intestines? However, I could choke down a burger or taco."

We manage to find a Taco Bell (God help me), order a pair of tacos and inhale them in the parking lot of the theater - literally it's a race to see if we can get them done in 3 bites or less and sprint to the ticket counter.
Amazingly enough we have 3 more minutes to spare, since it's common knowledge that the show times are just for when they start the previews - and we have time to get that beloved bag of popcorn and even laden it with the much desired and unnecessary 'butter' please tell me, what IS IN THE butter in all actuality?

Just to be safe, since I've discovered the length of the film and against my tight-wad ways I've opted to buy an extra bottled water (sigh) and off to the first screening room we head.

I open one side of the doors with a sweeping motion and in grand game show fashion I beckon the husband to enter the door with a flourish and we walk in with excitement and confidence.
The room is pitch black and the final rolling of the last preview is on hand, which hastens our step! Oh boy we have to hurry because our favorite seat in the house is straight up to the top, where we like to perch like a pair of eagles.

Gripping the mucky steel handrail with one hand, my bag of corn in another I shuffle up the stairs and pray not to trip and fall flat on my face in the dark. While heading up the steps, there's is a blink of brightening light a moment here and there and I can scan over the rows of seats looking to see if a pair of seats might be available at least 40% into the middle of the row.

We are lucky enough to get that spot but I end up next to a singular fellow - and I fear he might be rather odd...which proves to be right. He spends the next 45 minutes of the movie giggling at EVERY humorous and semi-humorous bit. His snickering becomes so hard to take I'm ready to pop him in his nose.
However luck would have it....I chase him off after this little fiasco!

I've just swigged down the last delicious gulp of my purchased water, Oh it's cool and refreshing swish slithering down my throat so yummy. I really don't want a lot of soda while at the movies, it just makes me need to pee and therefore you take the risk of missing a lot of the film running back and forth. Let's not forget that I'm sitting in the nosebleed seats so that doubles the amount of time to take purchase back into my seat and settle back into the groove of the story.

My last gulp of water consumed, a rather dark scene of the film beginning I fumble in the dark looking for the over-sized plastic cup-holder and try to place the cylinder within it's confines but, alas I miss completely. I might as well have been trying to make a 3 point shot from half court.
I fucking miss, the bottle tips, hits the side of the holder, falls to the floor with the loudest plastic to concrete clang and of course the theater is absolutely silent in a moment of silence in the film.
Not only does it hit the concrete, but then it rolls....whirrrrrrr....CLANK....CLANK..and it hits the row below us...and then one more row below that before finally coming to a stop, most likely from coming to rest at someone's foot.

Ahhh SHIT I say just a bit more than a whisper. My giggling neighbor looks to me, snickers and even has a little snort and returns to the film. However...a few minutes after the drop, clank...whiirrrr - he sits up and moves down the row about 15 seats and remains there alone where I can still hear his giggles drift down to where we sit.
I'm not so much embarrassed as I am just pissed that it happened and try to forget it but the husband is looking at me like I've just sharted my pants.

WHAT? it's not my fault that these cup holders don't fit the drinks they sell!

Hasn't anyone stopped to consider making the type of cup-holder that has the expanding rubber mouth that grips anything that's inserted which will snugly hold whatever has been jammed within?