Wednesday, August 19, 2009

celebrate gas

I farted on a kid at the mall Saturday.

Friday night we indulged since I give myself the chance to really eat garbage on the weekend and Friday I had an all meat pizza.

Saturday I was dying with gas and heartburn.

I warned my girlfriend that I was jet propelled first thing and throughout the day.

We're in one store *the first of the day*, thankfully it was so loud from the music playing no one would hear me tooting along with the beat. They were playing tunes from the 80s which was perfect because my girlfriend and I were cracking up with the resurgence of all of the 80s clothing which has come back with a vengeance.
There were colorful headbands and leg warmers which I'd piled on and was doing little dances among the aisles while singing "Madonna's- Like a Virgin".

Inside the store towards the back just outside the dressing room area there was a settee, that's where there was a teenie-bopper sitting waiting for her mom as she tried on her clothing.

The dressing rooms were very dark, a bit Gothic and the rooms were barely big enough for one person let alone two. I varied positions from going inside the room, cramming my ass inside with my girlfriend so that we could comment on how her outfits looked to standing just outside the door and appearing like a slightly creepy peeping Tom(ette) and then heading back out to the settee and having a squat and waiting for my friend to give a lil holler.

We'd finished our mission, which was to try on as many naughty pieces of lingerie as possible (believe me this is another blog in the coming) and then to head to the register we would go...
as I goosestepped passed the young girl sitting at the settee I blasted one Hellofa Fart that felt like I'd squashed one of those novelty fart bags. you know the ones, "WHOOPIE cushions". The rubber pink ones that you can buy from the backs of most cartoon magazines.

This fart was the real flapper style.

The kind you can feel burn and the stink punches you in the nose instantly

I'd gotten the girl immediately because the line to the register was so long and we had to stop right there in front of her. She knew it was me also, I'm the last in line and I did a shimmy shake to wiggle it out just in case I'd left a skid in my pants.

She instantly had her hands fly to her face and grabbed her nose, pinching it with thumb and forefinger. Nose wrinkled up under her tightly gripped fingers. She has her lips curled up exposing her pearly whites, reminding me of how my cats will continually keep sniffing something that stinks like the worst kind of shit but they sniff it anyhow.
Don't you find it interesting that no matter how bad something smells a cat will go back again and again to sniff it. They shove their nose in as far as they can, sniff sniff sniff - face squinches up and then back to sniffing again.

Her eyes squinting as though she'd just smelled a freshly cut onion - tears rushing to her eyes.

She even shook her head in quick succession as if to say NO NO ...holy shit NO

I'm not one to feel worried about blasting one.

Everyone has to fart

I'm the queen of belching. I can out belch just about anyone I've met

but farting is a rare commodity for me therefore I celebrate them and bring to you this story.

Celebrate today - and have yourself a merry fart.