Thursday, October 21, 2010

No Poo in this story!

At 4 a.m. I was finally trying to go to bed. Much too tired to shut off the bedside lamp, I rolled to one side and squeezed my eyes shut. My efforts were made impossible because of the cat that was acting tortured on the other side of the bedroom door.

Thanks to the husband, he ruined our cohabitation situation when we moved to the new place. There is no privacy in the bedroom anymore!

Sort of hoping to experience for the first time in all of the years of pussycat ownership a feline-free sleeping environment I'd opted to not invite any of them into my boudoir. It was a little experiment of sorts and then one afternoon he thought, oh my my wife looks like she could use her baby-girls company.

The door opens and in comes..LUNA!

Holy Smokes!

I LOVE THAT CAT. Don't get me wrong. That cat is my heart. She's tattooed just above my heart, I've had her for nearly 12 years now and I can't imagine her gone. I want to clone her. I don't ever want her to go, don't even speak of it!
She's the reason I fell madly deeply in love with the breed and she's the reason that I worked so hard for so many years in attempt to better it.

Luna knows this and uses it to her advantage.

Do you know the old wives tale about how a cat will creep into a baby crib and snatch the breath of a baby, murdering it.

I'm the baby and Luna is out to kill me - but only because she loves me.
She wants to crawl inside of me and share the same heartbeat, she wants to taste the food I'm eating using my mouth and tongue. She wants to speak with my vocal cords, and if she could...she would try to make love to my husband. She wants to receive his attention because she's extremely jealous when he touches me, will push her way between us.
Let's just say she's a demanding cat.

All of my years alive I've been a poor sleeper and when I added her to my life I soon started getting even less. She's a comfort to have in the beginning, holding her soft sweet body and feeling the gently rumble of her purrs but soon she creeps and slithers out of your grasp.

Inching up your body, hugging close to you but using her nails to make sure she has a tight purchase..she wouldn't want to lose touch or have someone remove her from the one thing she values the very most in the world!

Oh NO, and if anyone DOES try to take her away from me or the bed she SCREAMS at them.

MEH MEH - she miaows in a way that is comical. mouth wide open, lips curled back a touch to expose those razor sharp teeth and then she flattens her tongue and sticks it out partially...MEH MEH

For the first 2.5 weeks I slept. Not a lot because I just don't sleep a lot, but it was without a cat on my face, without a foot in my mouth, without a tail slapping me in the eyes, without cat litter in the sheets or a smear of crap sometimes finding its way on your pillowcase in the middle of the night and you are surprised by the odor when you roll your face right into it.

Yup, 2.5 weeks I felt like I had a good thing going and then, well, then Luna found her way back into the comfort zone. She forgot she was a 'cat' and she became the bedroom queen again. She comes in and becomes a demanding diva, hogging up space, wanting to be on the best pillow and she'll somehow roll herself up like some sort of kitty chimmichanga in my fleece blanket.

I never know how to unravel her, there doesn't seem to be an opening to where you can safely yank her out and I wonder how the fuck did she get in there to start with?

If I don't open that bedroom door for her she will sit outside of it and start scratching like a dog does to go out to shit. Those 10 claws grating on your nerves and she's persistent and knows that eventually you'll just give in.
I'll tell her "NO" ..."Go Away"...maybe I'll even toss a few things at the door and hope it'll chase her off.

No such luck, because then she'll put her paws under the door with wrists turned so she can get a purchase and then start shimmying the whole thing.

How in the Hell does this tiny old cat that looks like a vanilla bat-Gremlin managed to jiggle a solid core wooden door until I can feel the whole house shaking? Maybe its just my imagination because my nerves are frayed and I'm about to go straight out of my mind.

Grumbling to myself now..swearing..'fucking husband,letting her in and now I have to deal with this shit all of the time... while you sleep through it...'

I get up and open the door just a crack and she comes running in like she's got the Grim Reaper on her tail. Zips passed me before I can even lean over and snatch her up and while I'm trying to get her another one comes in.
While she's running by me she's yelling. MEH MEH MEH. Her announcement that she's in and she's won the battle. Ha Ha Ha human, I'm in and now you can't get rid of me.

Prepare the bed, I'm ready for my slumber. I want a massage as well. Rub my back, stroke my head and ears until I close my eyes and fall asleep. No, not until YOU fall asleep.

Both leap into the bed and get between where the husband and I sleep. This is where the blankets have been jammed into a heap its where I've flung them off of me to go and open the door. Perfect, I can already see the tiny gears working in her head and she's thinking, "my very own dream mountain".

She pile drives into it and somehow is immediately gone, her disappearing act performed before my very eyes and she becomes the kitty-chimmi just like that.

I lay down, curl up and shiver because I've lost my bedding and stare at the wall listening to the snores around me until I fall asleep.
When I wake up I can't see anything because my face is being smothered by Luna tummy.

Did I wake up because I heard something, had to pee or because I was gasping for air?