Why have I been silent for over a year?

I don't have enough words to explain it to you.
All of you know me for my humor and silliness, sarcarcsm and wit.

Much of the light(ness) drained from me when I lost my best friend...plus I continually fight day after day with pain and discomfort.
Sure, there are good days and good hours and I make the most of it. Every day I wake up and try to decide what I'm going to tackle.

Some simple tasks are so overwhelming, maybe they aren't physically overwhelming but instead I just feel emotionally challenged because the end result WILL be exhaustion. Sometimes it makes a lot more sense to grasp whatever enjoyment I can with my energy instead of taking care of daily chores.

I feel like I'm going to come to the end of my life and ...regret.

Bang, it's goodbye

Ten minutes before midnight and the noises from the street were growing steadily. I’d been barely maintaining all night, just doing activities that occupied my body and stupefied me so I didn’t have the opportunity to drown in my sorrow.

I’d juggled my time by watching stupid movies, going to the supermarket and returning home to start preparations for Texas-style chili that would take 2.5 hours to cook and finally stopping to clean out the litter trays.

New Years Eve and instead of celebrating out with friends I’m walking out onto the stoop with a sack full of cat crap to toss into the garbage bin. I look up towards the west only to have sunbursts of color from a fireworks display unlike any I’ve seen before light upon my cheeks.

The sky was lit from north to south in stunning dandelion puffs, dahlias, peonies of twinkling lights. Shimmering colored diamonds they were, a flash and flutter of confetti and then sputtering out only to be replaced with a crackle and snap and that unmistakable odor of gunpowder.

After a miserable scorching hot summer without rain this fall and winter the area saw a few inches and local officials lifted the burn ban outside of city limits and allowed fireworks for the coming of the New Year.

Naturally the general public will always break the law thus the display was not only out in the distance of the hill country 10 miles away but as close by as 2-4 blocks.

The show was stunning and I suddenly was taken by my emotions and wracked with sobs because I am now reminded quite firmly that there will be no more years with my precocious pussycat that has brought me so much passion and peace for a dozen years.  

laughter

always laugh at your own misfortunes because crying about them isn't going to change a thing

oops, my bad

“I’m Sorry”
This is becoming the catch-phrase, or perhaps the universal trump card of sorts to anything you do wrong. It trips out of the mouth so easily and these days everyone just accepts the easy apology even though there’s absolutely no sincerity behind the sentiment.
’m ‘orry

‘m ‘orry…it’s muttered so quickly and without a meaningfully glance or meeting you square in the eyes which would help reinforce the truth of the deliverance.

When I was growing up and you did something wrong you were expected to ‘apologize’ and let me tell you, that almost HURT because it smacked of damaged pride because you always felt you were right and they were wrong.

Good manners would be to forgive and forget.

Some people even use the phrase to fill in the void of true conversation because they can’t form enough conversation, they feel inadequate or belittled or feel like they are going to screw up …might as well apologize in advance.

I won’t say I’m sorry for who I am.

I’m definitely not going to change because I offend you with my outspoken behaviors, but I’ll make an effort not to shit in your Wheaties.

my feelings

damn it